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Alert! On Star Trek, librarians used laser guns to shoot unsavory patrons. Thank you, Unshelved.
Need a pick-me-up? A friend pointed me to this very personal review of the new Star Wars debacle, complete with reinterpreted dialogue:
PALPATINE: Well Anakin, I am evil, and you should be evil too. We could be evil together. That'd be wicked cool.
ANAKIN: I'm not quite getting you...?
PALPATINE: It's evil time! For I am evil.
ANAKIN: And so what you're saying is...?
PALPATINE: Evil, evil, evil! And in summary: really evil.
ANAKIN: Omigod! I AM TELLING ON YOU.
She liked the movie, but I forgive her, not least for comments like this one:
MAYA: I want the Emperor to win. I know he's pure evil, but at least he doesn't abuse the English language.
Last night some friends and I swung by the Landmark Century Theatre for a late screening of Steamboy, the new anime feature by Katsuhiro Ôtomo. Although I know it's getting mixed reviews, I thought it was a terrific science fiction parable, with some interesting commentary on our use of science in society. Plus, the animation was superb. Normally I'm more a Hayao Miyazaki fan (Spirited Away being my favorite), but Steamboy's gorgeous visuals and inventive editing were truly unique.
In further Miyazaki news, though, and to my intense delight, we'll be seeing Howl's Moving Castle in June! With Billy Crystal as Calcifer and Lauren Bacall as the Witch of the Waste!
Reflections on the TNT Original Movie The Librarian: Quest for the Spear Starring That Guy From ER
First off, let me say that there was one thing this movie hit dead on--what librarians do. The ER guy's actual job description is "the librarian." Throughout the movie, all he does is wander around a basement full of mythological artifacts. But why does the librarian do what he does? Is he supposed to be running around the world trying to protect these artifacts? His job is never really explained, and it's here that there is a similarity between the movie librarian and the real librarian. Do you really know what a real librarian does? I mean do you really think we sit around and order books for eight hours a day? Think about it.
via BookSlut
The American Film Institute (AFI) today announced that AFI's 100 Years . . . 100 Movie Quotes will be the theme for AFI's eighth annual celebration of 100 years of American movies.
AFI'S 100 Years . . . 100 Movie Quotes: America's Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases will count down America's 100 greatest lines of dialogue spoken in the movies, as chosen by experts of the motion picture community, in a three-hour television event on the CBS Television Network in June 2005.
Some of the ballot items here are really fascinating. Many, out of context, are completely dull:
This is this.
(The Deer Hunter)
Help me! Help me!
(The Fly, 1958)
Others are far from the best lines the film in question had to offer:
They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!
(Braveheart), for example. What about:
Every man dies. Not every man really lives.
Not listed.
On the other hand, they also managed to pull great quotes from utterly awful films, such as:
Mama, face it. I was the slut of all time.
(Butterfield 8)
And sometimes they picked the best line of a movie, after all:
Do, or do not. There is no try.
(The Empire Strikes Back)
Also, some quotes, despite lacking real signficance outside the frame of the movie, are just great anyway, because you can remember so viscerally the first time you saw them uttered:
Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!
(The Day the Earth Stood Still)
and
You're gonna need a bigger boat.
(Jaws)
My dad will love the inclusion of:
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
( Dirty Dancing), which is particularly funny since it's obviously not true. She's sitting in the corner when Patrick Swayze, who says the line, arrives.
and
BOBBY DUPEA: Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.
WAITRESS: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
BOBBY DUPEA: I want you to hold it between your knees.
(Five Easy Pieces)
and especially
Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
(Planet of the Apes)
One frome the movie I saw last night, which we enjoyed immensely:
I need him like the axe needs the turkey.
(The Lady Eve)
And, finally, one that seems surprisingly wise, if you avoid remembering that Matthew Broderick said it before he turned 30:
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
(Ferris Bueller's Day Off)
via Beautiful Stuff
John Scalzi's National Lampoon piece, The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time, includes this hilarious faux special, excerpted below:
The Lost Star Trek Christmas Episode:
"A Most Illogical Holiday" (1968)
Mr. Spock, with his pointy ears, is hailed as a messiah on a wintry world where elves toil for a mysterious master, revealed to be Santa just prior to the first commercial break. Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh. As Scotty works to keep the power flowing to the shields, Kirk and Bones infiltrate Santa's headquarters.
via Beautiful Stuff
For my sister, I present the Oracle of Bacon, which can play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with you, against you, or all by itself, all night long. [via Kempa Dot Com]
If you're around my age, and sufficiently girly, you probably remember with fondness the animated feature The Last Unicorn, based on Peter S. Beagle's beautiful novel of the same name. The movie is a musical (you can only buy the CD in Europe, unless you import it, which I have done) with an incredible cast and truly inventive animation, particularly in comparison with most of the lousy stuff Disney puts out.
Now there is a new film of the book in development, with Beagle apparently doing the screenplay, and some of the original cast returning to reprise or take new roles. It appears to be a mix of live action and CGI, much like The Lord of the Rings.
I must be the last to know that Johnny Depp will be starring in Tim Burton's remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Normally I would be horrified than anyone would remake such a delicious morsel of bizarre childhood goodness, but considering the major players, I have high hopes.
On the other hand, sometimes fabulous people make terrible movies. For instance, Jeanne Crain and Cary Grant made People Will Talk, an abysmal and pedantic tale of unlikely romance between a doctor (who once posed as a butcher so his backward patients would visit him for assistance) and a wayward young lady (impregnated by a soldier who died in battle without learning of her delicate condition). Seldom humorous (except unintentionally) and littered with ridiculous plot twists. Two hours of my life I will never get back.
I'm a bit behind the curve here, but the Librarian in Black was kind enough to alert me to the fact that the Daleks will, in fact, be on the BBC's new incarnation of Doctor Who. Also, this excellent fellow will be portraying our favorite Gallifreyan.
No Daleks??? There is no Doctor Who without Daleks!
Apparently Terry Nation's estate and the BBC couldn't agree on terms for using his evil creations in the planned new series.
The BBC spokeswoman said: "The BBC offered the very best deal possible but ultimately we were not able to give the level of editorial influence that the Terry Nation estate wished to have." But an agent for the Nation estate accused the BBC of ignoring copyright laws and said the corporation was trying to "ruin the brand of the Daleks".
Weirdest quote I've heard in a long time, from the same article:
[Agent Tim Hancock, who represents the Nation estate] accused the BBC of lying about the reasons a deal had not been made. He said the BBC had tried to commission a cartoon series about gay Daleks for BBC Three. [via Librarian in Black]
I can see it now: Daleks shacking up, playing footsie--well, they haven't got feet, though--and coming out to Davros.
The good news, I suppose, is the selection of Christopher Eccleston as the new Doctor. More details about the series regularly at Outpost Gallifrey. Check out July 4 for details on the Dalek controversy.
But the way the story appeared in some news pages - the robotic tyrants would not appear because of 'a disagreement over appearance fees' - made it sound as if the Daleks themselves were sulkily refusing to go on TV. The usual reasons, I suppose. They had other commitments; the timing wasn't right for this stage of their career; they weren't in a good place right now; they were scheduled to appear on Broadway, in a musical called Hello Dalek. I pictured them on the phone to their agent, shouting 'Neg-o-ti-ate! Neg-o-ti-ate!'."
I have to admit, I was hugely amused at last week's Bookslut book group, when it turned out that most of the attendees that night (discussing Haruki Murakami's Underground) were moderate to rabid Buffy & Angel fans. The Bookslut herself is now wondering about the possible existence of WWBD paraphernalia. Oh she of little faith, of course there is! I had a keychain, but it broke.
So excited! The Oscars are Sunday night, and tonight I found the official Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences site for the 76th Annual Academy Awards. Much cooler than Oscar.com. However, still none of these sites tell me the exact presentation sequence of the awards. Anyone know?
Considering I've been discussing our "relationship" with my S.O. way too often of late, this article on The Lord of the Rings as a dating manual seemed especially ironic. At least, we both had a good laugh out of it.
And finally, the mother of all dating wisdom:
Some people will go to any lengths to get a ring; others, having had one for awhile, will go to any lengths to chuck it into a volcano.
(link via Bookslut, natch)
Lucius Shepard reviews Return of the King, with some fair criticisms and a lot of biting wit. I agree I could have done without some of the weepy wrap-up at the end. And this comment about Frodo and Sam made me gasp with laughter.
This relationship came to seem so cloyingly godawful, I half-expected a scene in which Sam, on his knees, tongue lolling, receives a snausage from Frodo’s hand.
And this one, on the "patently unnecessary pronouncments":
Legolas is given to intone, “There is a sleepless malice in the West,” the only appropriate response I could think of, considering the circumstance (not long before the final battle), was, “Duh!”
(link via Confessions of a Science Librarian)
Of course there are at least two Lord of the Rings drinking games. Sequential Tart has one, but my personal favorite is from the Flick Filosopher. I quote:
Every time someone looks all mopey and angst-ridden, take a shot.
If it's Frodo, take two shots.
If it's Aragorn, swoon and feel all tingly inside.
If it's Faramir, and he's talking about showing his quality, say, "Yeah, baby, show that quality!"
Also, in case you get lost during the movie, here's a map.
Wow. I thought the Buffy musical was the be-all end-all, but see how wrong I was? Hurray for fanboy filk!
Recent viewings:
The Harmonists (or possibly, the Comedian Harmonists), a jaunty tale of a musical group in pre-WWII Germany, which included 3 Jewish singers. Oops. Actually, a very moving story, and worth watching despite subtitle-age.
28 Days Later. Wow. A terrible virus goes awry in modern England, during most of the population into "infected" degenerates whose only desire is to kill. Also, to projectile vomit blood. Yech. We follow the lucky survivors of the plague as they endeavor to find other non-infected folks. Lots of death and mayhem, some horribly wrenching scenes, and a very clear-eyed look at what humanity is capable of in times of horror. The creators' sick sense of humor is also at play here, though. Three alternate endings seemed excessive, but the commentary was cool.
Also, on the home front,
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Extended Edition. Brilliant, of course. If Jackson doesn't get the best director Oscar this year for ROTK (ok, yes, I haven't seen it yet, but I'll confirm this belief after I see it tomorrow night), the Academy has run mad. Possibly infected by a virus, see above. The added scenes in TTT:EE were much mroe subtle than in the first movie, and I admit I could do with less comic relief from Gimli the undignified, but otherwise perfect.